So Fake It's Vegan

Nothing is better than the flaky but soft texture of a crescent roll. Pull it apart, wrap it around a hot dog, or just eat it with some jam, Pillsbury’s Butter Flake Crescent Rolls make a great supplement for the traditionally french breakfast.

Upon scouring the ingredients list of Pillsbury’s magnum opus, I found one questionable ingredient: Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate. This ingredient can come from either plant or animal sources—unfortunately, its origin most often remains unlabeled. Due to the ambiguous nature of Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, I took it upon myself to write Pillsbury to get the low down. Three days later, I received a response:

Hello Sofakeitsvegan,

Thank you for contacting Pillsbury with your inquiry.

The ingredient Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate is from a plant origin.

We hope you find this information helpful. Please let us know if we can help you again.

Thank you,

Rhonda Short

Customer Care Specialist

So there you have it! Spoken from the doughboy herself, Rhonda, Pillsbury Buttery Flake Crescent Rolls are vegan! SFIV is giving these americanized tubes of greatness a 4/5, somewhere a frenchman is crying.

Ingredients:

Enriched Flour Bleached (Wheat Flour, Niacin, Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Water, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean and/or Cottonseed Oil, Sugar, Baking Powder (Baking Soda, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Aluminum Phosphate), Contains 2% or Less of: Dextrose, Vital Wheat Gluten, Salt, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Potassium Chloride, Xanthan Gum, Artificial Flavor, Yellow 5, Alpha Tocopherol (to Protect Flavor), Color Added, Red 40.

Gummy, chewy, bright, and nostalgic of 5th grade cafeterias: Kroger’s Curious George Fruit Flavored Snacks are loaded with vitamin C, vegan monkeys and fun. Yeah this ones a bit more regional, as I’m assuming Kroger only sells Kroger brand food at Kroger, but come on, where are they not?

Little George’s box contains 6 packages of gummy goodness. Each of the colors represent their own flavor, red for strawberries, orange for oranges, etc. Oddly, the green candies are banana shaped, as if to promote the idea that my gummy candies are unripe. I might be looking into this to much.

Overall these generic looking candies are better then your average middle school gummy. Packing your kid a lunch? SFIV says you should with a 3/5.

Ingredients:

Corn syrup, sugar, fruit juice from concentrate, apple, grape, strawberry, orange, raspberry, modified corn starch, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, cottonseed and soybean, malic acid, ascorbic acid, vitamin c, natural and artifical flavors, mineral oil, blue 1, red 40, yellow 5, yellow 6 carmauba wax

After flipping over every Orville Redenbacher gourmet popcorn in the store, I found only a suffocating amount of butter. But as I made my way out of Kroger’s own isle 7, I stumbled across the golden ticket: Act 2’s Butter Lovers popcorn. The buttery crunch of this popcorn is not to be underestimated, it can really only be compared to eating the sun, or maybe just eating in a movie theatre. Okay I’ll be totally honest, this popcorn takes like any other bag of popcorn. But come on, it’s like pizza, its always going to be good. I’ve found that a microwaving time of 2:15 yields optimal results.

For being popcorn, SFIV gives this snack a 3/5. This genre of salty snack deserves no less.

Ingredients:

Popcorn, partially hydrogenerated soybean oil, salt, natural and artificial flavors, annatto color.

I discovered Goldenbergs’ Original Dark Peanut Chews in the backseat of my buddies van. We were parked in Denton Texas in early August, and I was starving. I ripped open the red plastic covering to find a mess of brown goo covering something that maybe once resembled a peanut, or at least a byproduct of a peanut. Let me give you some advice: even if its 105 degrees and your peanut chews have been melting in the backseat of a van for over a week, even if said van has no air conditioning to help soothe the ridiculous OV rays of a texan sun, eat the peanut chew. Eat the peanut chew and love it, it is a monument of vegan peanut implanted chocolate.

For being the closest thing to a baby ruth that any vegan is likely to eat, SFIV gives this snack a 4/5

Ingredients:

Peanuts, Corn Syrup, Sugar, Molasses, Dextrose, Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil (Cottonseed, Soybean and/or Palm Oil)  Glycerine (vegetable source), Cocoa Powder, Soya Lecithin (an Emulsifier)Salt, TBHQ (a Preservative)Citric Acid.

Why are these the only Doritos chips that are vegan? Who knows, Who cares! These mouthwatering triangles represent a beacon of light for spiced tortillas everywhere. It may have taken Dorito long enough to realize they no longer needed milk/whey/whatever, but they have apparently seen the light that is budget cuts. Although I appreciate these chips for what they are, I’d personally like to see vegan cheeseburger Doritos.

For holding up the Dorito standard of quality, and being the delicous meld between cajun spice and sweetener, SFIV gives this chip a 4/5

Ingredients:

 Whole corn, vegetable oil (contains one or more of the following: corn, sunflower, and/or soybean Oil), salt, sugar, monosodium glutamate, fructose, sodium diacetate, soy sauce solids (soybean, wheat, salt), onion powder, corn maltodextrin, hydrolyzed soy protein, hydrolyzed corn protein, garlic powder, torula yeast, malic acid, extractives of paprika, spices, caramel color, disodium inosinate, disodium guanylate, dextrose, and natural flavor. 

Hope you like some MSG! Every one of these chips is hand painted with a barbeque soaked painters brush, giving the smoky taste that you need and deserve. 

For being a completely mediocre barbeque chip that is not actually painted with a barbeque soaked painters brush, SFIV gives this chip a 2/5

Ingredients:

Potatoes, Sunflower Oil and/or Corn Oil, BBQ Seasoning: Sugar,Maltodextrin, Dextrose, Natural Flavors [including Barley Malt Flour]Onion Powder, Molasses, Torula Yeast, Monosodium Glutamate, Salt, Spice, Paprika Powder and Extractives, Garlic Powder, Corn Starch, Tomato Powder, Yeast, Citric Acid, Mesquite Smoke Flavor)Salt.

Do you crave the mouthwatering sourness of little green, red, and orange people? Fear not! The popular candy Sour Patch Kids is SFIV!

edit: they also have pretty great commercials: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GINmvzOpfvc&feature=related

I mean, who doesn’t like to see a kid get pooped on?

Ingredients:

Sugar, corn syrup, modified corn starch, citric acid, tartaric acid, natural and artificial flavors, yellow 5, yellow 6, red 40, blue 1

This does not just apply to double stuffed Oreos, although they are the undisputed kings. These amazing cookies used to contain whey, but no more! Sometime a few years ago Nabisco decided to stop using milk protein in the creation of their Oreo cookies, eat away!

For being the classic hallmark of vegan junk food that all future snacks should honor and follow, SFIV gives this snack a 5/5

edit: just for the record, I feel that it is morally ambiguous to eat an Oreo cookie one half at a time, you always get one side with no cream.

Ingredients:

ENRICHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMINE MONONITRATE {VITAMIN B1}, RIBOFLAVIN {VITAMIN B2}, FOLIC ACID), SUGAR, HIGH OLEIC CANOLA OIL AND/OR PALM OIL ANS/OR CANOLA OIL, DEXTROSE, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, SALT, CORNSTARCH, BAKING SODA, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, SOY LECITHIN.